An open letter by Bristol resident Rit Carter to Ellen Zoppo:
Because you “love scripts” here is one for you to follow for your inauguration speech. However, don’t let Art Ward see a copy of the script before hand, he’s likely to flip out because “he does not have a grasp of the issues” as only you do and besides he is “not part of the team.”
Upon being sworn in, approach the podium - smile and wave to your supporters. Try practicing this part in the mirror after lunch to get it right.
Placing your hands on both sides of the dais speak strongly and firmly. It will show YOU are in control. Also, speak from the diaphragm and keep the lower (lumbar) spine straight - good for breathing.
Now, because you like secrecy so much don’t tell your minions that your first act as mayor will be to change the city’s name from Bristol to Zoppotropolis. Yeah, a portion of the citizenry will not like it, but too bad. It’s your town and people need to know that it’s your town.
As your first order of business, thank your opponents that you have been trashing and threaten city workers that had the nerve to disagree with you. Remind them what happens to political foes that disagree with you; their political careers end up on the back of milk cartons.
Next, take a sip of water (it will look cool), pause and fervently state that there is no truth to the rumor that because you are now mayor, the doomsday clock was set to 11:57. Dismiss the rumor as “a blatant attempt” by the clock to discredit you. In fact, while doing this pound your fist three times like Nikita Khrushchev for effect.
Your love for taking notes is legendary but it will look awkward if you’re taking notes while you’re speaking. So, you should have one of your sycophants do this very, very important task. This way nothing is missed. The notes along with a copy of your speech will be preserved, and will hang in the Preservation Room of the Ellen Zoppo Museum to be built where the Bristol Center Mall stands, sort of.
Finally, say all the great things you will do for Bristol and then dismiss the crowd like an angry school teacher.
Should you lose, no doubt this will be a cataclysmic event worthy of an investigation so stomp your feet forcefully and demand a recount. Also, blame the loss on the stealing of your signs. Everyone knows we voters choose our candidates based on their signs. Just so you know I like your signs but personally, I think you should use a monotone achromatic color scheme because it’s more you.
*******
Contact Steve Collins at scollins@bristolpress.com
17 comments:
As a Ward supporter I find this humerous.
Unnecessary, but humerous.
I am a Johnson supporter - so I guess your theory about ONLY Ward supporters are coming down on her are incorrect and narrow-minded like your leader, EAZ.
Steve, what was the purpose of posting this ridiculous diatribe? You have called for the debate on this Blog to be open, honest and on the issues. This letter misses on all counts. The voters will decide shortly who they think is qualified for the job. Hopefully in deciding they will look at the candidate as a person, their commitment to the city and where applicable to their record in office. Personally, I don't see Ellen as qualified to lead the city in its current state. Her record shows a big spend approach and many times a "fire, ready aim" philosophy. But you cannot overlook her commitment and her dedication to a task that requires time sacrificed away from family in a job where no one gets rich. Regardless of whether or not you like her personally or her politics her efforts deserve respect. Mr. Carter is entitled to his opinion but this Blog should not be supporting his poor attempt at becoming a writer for The Simpsons.
What's the purpose? To provide alternate voices other than just my own. I'd be happy to print other peoples' posts, too, as long as they are coherent.
Steve, please don't tell me that you've lowered the bar to allow for smack talk like that letter just as long as "it's coherent." Is this what you consider "alternate voices?" Joe McCarthy was a "coherent, alternate voice" that destroyed countless lives and careers until someone finally stood up and said enough. You have that same responsibility. That letter had only one purpose and that was to attack on a personal basis. You can be the person who says "enough" and turns this Blog into a great debate on the issues and not a character assassination zone. Come on!
Well... I'll have to think about that.
It does matter to me that this came from a real person using a real name. It's like a letter to the editor rather than an anonymous blog posting.
But... I'll consider the arguments against using such things. You may be right.
Don't back down Steve, the person gave their name. If not posting it here, he could have sent it to the papers. Problem is the truth hurts, and its hitting home for many on how Zoppo really is.
Thanks for letting everyone have a voice.
K.C.
It's not backing down to remove personal attacks from the Blog. That letter did nothing to advance the cause of the city and it certainly won't change the outcome of the primary. All it did was attack someone in a personal vindictive manner. "The truth hurts?" Who's truth? I see very little truth in that letter only one man's perception. If Mr. Carter was trying to show how clever he is, he failed. He only succeeded in proving he can be an attack dog. So what if he used his name! Steve, I encourage you to raise the bar. Sack this piece of useless fodder and don't allow any others. Art, Ellen, Ken and all the rest deserve better. This city has serious issues that need intelligent debate and thoughtful resolutions. Let's get back to what matters.
It's the sarcasm that makes it useless diatribe - not another voice making a point.
people talk about Ellen showing her true colors, but the behavior of Art Ward and his supporters has been utterly disgraceful.
Sarcasm is often a wonderful way to make a valid point. I would never want to squelch attempts at humor because a blog without any laughs is useless. Nobody will read it.
Please Tell me what Art Ward and His Supporters are doing that is Utterly Disgraceful...
I can't wait for this primary to be over. However what I'm afarid of is that we'll have 8 more weeks of this garbage.
so be sure that you go out on tuesday and exercise your right to vote.
8 more weeks? - Nope! When Art wins the primary - Ellen is out.
Kind of like getting rid of the wicked person of the east.
While there is some humor to be found somewhere in that letter, it's an unfortunate and sad reflection of politics in our city. There are real things happening to Bristol that are not all for the city's benefit. But that's not important to some residents. It's who the personalities are that matters. Never mind that Ellen's ideas are not the one's debated. Or for that matter Art's or Ken's. No! It's all about how someone shouldn't be allowed at the cool kids table. They're not "right" for Bristol. What's not right is that politics while competitive and personal, and while often about the candidates and not the issues is not what's at stake here. What's at stake in Bristol are people who can't seem to like someone sitting at their "table." Here's an idea how about the voters of this community actually talk to one another about what's happening to this city instead of how much you dislike Ellen Zoppo's personality.
Oh and speaking as a young person...references to the doomsday clock and Nikita Krushchev. Nice way to date yourself. Next time you want to reference a dictator at least choose someone with "cojones" like Stalin or Mao.
"Cojones?"Yes, it takes real COURAGE to mass murder millions of innocent people!Maybe a few more years of growing up and maturing might help you to understand the sheer ignorance of such a remark.
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