A resident's open letter to Mayor Ellen

An open letter by Bristol resident Rit Carter to Ellen Zoppo:

Because you “love scripts” here is one for you to follow for your inauguration speech. However, don’t let Art Ward see a copy of the script before hand, he’s likely to flip out because “he does not have a grasp of the issues” as only you do and besides he is “not part of the team.”

Upon being sworn in, approach the podium - smile and wave to your supporters. Try practicing this part in the mirror after lunch to get it right.

Placing your hands on both sides of the dais speak strongly and firmly. It will show YOU are in control. Also, speak from the diaphragm and keep the lower (lumbar) spine straight - good for breathing.

Now, because you like secrecy so much don’t tell your minions that your first act as mayor will be to change the city’s name from Bristol to Zoppotropolis. Yeah, a portion of the citizenry will not like it, but too bad. It’s your town and people need to know that it’s your town.

As your first order of business, thank your opponents that you have been trashing and threaten city workers that had the nerve to disagree with you. Remind them what happens to political foes that disagree with you; their political careers end up on the back of milk cartons.

Next, take a sip of water (it will look cool), pause and fervently state that there is no truth to the rumor that because you are now mayor, the doomsday clock was set to 11:57. Dismiss the rumor as “a blatant attempt” by the clock to discredit you. In fact, while doing this pound your fist three times like Nikita Khrushchev for effect.

Your love for taking notes is legendary but it will look awkward if you’re taking notes while you’re speaking. So, you should have one of your sycophants do this very, very important task. This way nothing is missed. The notes along with a copy of your speech will be preserved, and will hang in the Preservation Room of the Ellen Zoppo Museum to be built where the Bristol Center Mall stands, sort of.

Finally, say all the great things you will do for Bristol and then dismiss the crowd like an angry school teacher.

Should you lose, no doubt this will be a cataclysmic event worthy of an investigation so stomp your feet forcefully and demand a recount. Also, blame the loss on the stealing of your signs. Everyone knows we voters choose our candidates based on their signs. Just so you know I like your signs but personally, I think you should use a monotone achromatic color scheme because it’s more you.


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Contact Steve Collins at scollins@bristolpress.com